cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
