i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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