A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
