remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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