I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
