Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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