I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pants are for mortals
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
