A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
