Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Text me some of your sweat
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
