He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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