____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
