I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
