i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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