Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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