youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
