Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
