the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
