I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
