my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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