I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
