Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
