Your tits are I can't wait for
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
