its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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