you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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