Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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