she woke up with a sticky ear
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
