I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
