my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
