hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Too much gin, very little bucket
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
