A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
there is puke in my bra ... again
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
