"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
