Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
