Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
