Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
