she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
