Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
