You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize