I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
