I met the friendliest cop last night
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
