Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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