so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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