Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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