i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
