Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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