I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
