Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
