Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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