Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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