I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
