my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
