Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
