At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
