not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
