She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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