there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
