I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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