and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
