She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
