my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i will never coherently bang her
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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