I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
